[Scene: A death laser moves its way closer to Halle Berry's Billy
Bob infected skin.]
Random bad but suave guy: "Who sent you?"
Jinx: "Your momma."
- From the motion picture "Die Another Day"
Top Story? Where to begin -- between Gimpo Jacko and Sad Saddam nothing really has the undivided attention of the world. Even Britney's voyage' into adulthood and out of NYC made nary a blip in the press. So your mom will invent her own top story. I think America sucks! No wait, America is O.K. We love U.S.! We hate U.S.! No, America blows but in an Ashanti way. Don't read into that.
U.S. culture still has fans
Global survey suggests foreigners like U.S. culture but not its policies
Survey shows Iraq war threat fuels Muslim ire worldwide
The rise of anti-anti-Americanism
Rise in dislike of US among Muslims
Business: Can it get any worse for the Media Borg? Disney's stock is tanking because a few hundred people got the poopies. For the love of G_d, wash your hands and you'll be fine! No, your momma has a better idea: blame the cartoon. That's right because "Treasure Island" has taken two thumbs down the Hershey Highway the entire company is in shambles. "... [Treasure Island] is like watching Robert Louis Stevenson being sodomised by Michael Eisner in front of a class of 10-year-olds," says the oh so randy lads at the Guardian. Well the Mouse is infamously known for the "Song of the South" but your momma thinks that might be going a bit too far. Don't worry, the SEC is launching a probe to get to the bottom of the situation. Meanwhile, everyone is beating up on poor AOL. The worse of it was a study that claims people don't leave AOL because they are too lazy. Lighten up, they invented the internet even your momma knows that. The phrase "Fem4Fem RIGHT NOW" was coined at AOL. Trust your momma, with business acumen like that they will be back. But you'll have to pay.
Norwalk-Like Virus Tied to Cruise Outbreaks
Disney Co. Reveals Probe, Shares Fall
The space between us (at the bottom)
SEC PROBES MOUSE
AOL, AOL Time Warner's Leading Media Companies Combine
Boring But Bush: The next time you're at the local watering hole, hoe down or at the dinner table and some blow-hard (re: your daddy) is going on and on about how great President Bush is remember this intelligent, step-by-step primer on how to blow back and join the left-wing media conspiracy. Your mother caught it in today's New York Times.
Investigators Find Repeated Deception in Ads for Drugs - Bush delays enforcement of deceptive drug ads.
Study Suggests Mercury in Vaccine Was Not Harmful - Bush secretly uses 9-11 to protect tainted vaccines
Bush Restoring Cash Bonuses for Political Appointees - Bush brings back daddy's bribing system
Clinton Says Party Failed Midterm Test Over Security Issue - Clinton says clever GOP got out of the whole he put them in
Bush to End Rule Allowing Jobless Money for New Parents - Bush won't insure workers on maternal leave
Fin:
The end."
- Unnamed comic
Top Story? Without a doubt it's 9-11 freedom fighters fish for free in the frozen tundra.
Sharon threatens to exile Arafat - Pakistan DAWN
Israeli anger after seven deadly days - UK BBC
Israel trumpets ‘terror invoice’ - US MSNBC
Arabs call for united fight against Israel - UAE Gulf News
Arafat Rejects Exile Idea, Prefers to Become ''Martyr'' - AlBawaba
Grim measures in Middle East, Palestinian gunmen kill 11 of their own - US Boston Globe
Israel seizes Bethlehem - AP via US Salon
Business: I think I'll bail on a hard or soft business issue for today and go with something that strikes near and dear to your mother's heart. That is ... media monopolization. The evolving idea behind MotherNeture.com is not only presenting information in a cheeky way but to present a wide diversity of viewpoints on the day's issues. Left, right, mainstream or alternative. Yes that smell is the air of self-importance.
Court ruling may boost TV station consolidation - USA Today
FCC Taking 'Common Sense' to Broadband - US Internet News
U.S. Court Orders FCC to Study TV Station Ownership - Aus. Bloomberg
Politics: The Supreme Court is getting its robe on. Midterm elections are heating up. But US politics is all about Bush. Bush, Bush, Bush. Viva la Bush. I like Busch. But the Super Bowl doesn't.
Gender and America's agenda - UK Financial Times
Bush to sell historic island off Manhattan to NY - AP via US CNN
Bush's Mideast policy criticized - US Washington Times
Sports: Baseball is back and appearance still matters in women's sports, your mother believes everything is as it should be. But March Madness still lingers into April.
What does women's college basketball have against male coaches? - US MSN Slate
In Finale, Baxter Lets It All Hang Out (re: Coach made an additional million, loser looks to NBA) - US Washington Post
NCAA money machine - US Atlanta Journal Constitution
Basketball ratings mixed for CBS, ESPN - AP via US Sporting News
Stars of Final Four Are 'Overweight,' According to Government - US CNS News
Odd & Obscure:
IRS says expenses for some weight-loss programs are tax deductible
'Predator' Rejected As School Mascot
Hamburger ice-cream is the April Fool's flavour this year
Your Moment of Qwan:
- Unnamed comicTop Story? It's gotta be pedophila. I'm watching UPN 9 over here on the right coast and the first four items were about some variant of pedophila. I wish I still believed pedophilia meant the 'love of feet.' Child molesting, priest defrocking. Come on UPN! Couldn't you give me a Condit update, a shark attack piece or another 'Enron is Bad' exclusive? Heck, I haven't had an update on the Bush hotties in a fortnight.
Pope: Pedophilia Stains Reputation of ChurchBusiness: HP/Compaq? And there was much rejoicing. Yea. Boring. Besides Carly reminds me too much of Christie. And I'm sure one of them played power forward for UConn. No, I think your mother would like you to know about alcohol on TV.
Pope hints pedophilia a 'grievous' evil
Pope Alludes to Pedophilia Scandal
Feds Charge Former Police Officer, 20 Others in Child Porn Case
Vatican to test aspiring priests for homosexuality
Betrayed
MADD scolds networks over alcohol adsOthers: Normally, I'd cover industry-specific stuff or entertainment items. Neigh. Not today. Today, the world's ying has been balanced by this woman's yang. It's for your sins and mine. But learn the lesson well: don't get involved with anyone with two first names.
NBC Refuses to Booze It Up
Distilled Spirits Industry: A Leader in Responsibility Commends NBC
Pamela says she caught hepatitis C from Tommy
Pam Anderson has Hepatitis C
AP Corrects Pamela Anderson Story
as its source and guiding light ... or something like that.
